I debated whether I should write this.
I'm still in the messy, murky, frustrating middle of this.
I noticed that social situations ride on my every insecurity ever.
Do I belong here?
Does this person like me? Am I being fun enough? Do I bring down the mood?
Last weekend, my beloved Reb3l dance friends came into Atlanta to have a non-stop dance/fun/party/hang weekend.
Now the Reb3l community is HUGE! And I think 13 folks came to town and live it up and stayed in an overpacked cute little AirBNB.
The weekend was full of dance classes, shopping trips, more dance classes, parties, photo shoots, dance parties at the house, karaoke, and more.
It was a lot packed into a few days.
I found myself so so happy to see these beautiful faces.
So many different personalities. Different walks of life. Different backgrounds.
All here to just be with each other.
Endless laughter and silliness. And lots of exhaustion. Not enough food or rest. Too much stuffed into a few days.
While I didn't go to every single event, I still found myself overwhelmed with my own insecurities.
And I started to notice how my senses get so elevated in social groups.
I found myself so sensitive.
Feeling mad at myself for feelings of unstable emotions. Exclusion. Inclusion. The desperate need for acceptance and belonging.
Would I feel better if I moved over to this group? Or talked to this person? Am i even wanted here? Do I want to be here?
Wondering why I didn't get over these feelings in high school.
And I realized...
WE AREN'T TAUGHT HOW TO HANDLE INSECURITIES AS A CHILD. OR AN ADULT.
So we are left hiding it. Internalizing the feelings. Feeling embarrassed.
I am deeply troubled with how consuming these thoughts can be. And questioning my level of introversion.
I don't know if this is just a season where I am feeling extra raw and peeling back so many layers as I don't always recall feeling this way.
Um, if you know me...I present as extremely confident (I am in many, many ways) and outgoing. I am an extrovert.
But these gatherings can feel really destabilizing.
All of this inner-monologue and heightened senses are freaking exhausting.
I sense the need to flee and go be myself to stop the racing mind and reflect.
So is the introversion the need to hide from the feelings of discomfort?
I found myself on highs of seeing some of my favorite people and lows on tuning in to my inner turmoil.
And also, I noticed that it's not only me. It doesn't matter how secure or confident you are, these are way more common feelings that are just never talked about openly.
I'm pretty sure the answer has everything to do with the practice of better self-love and self-regulation...but for now, I'm going to keep thinking this through until I have some answers.
In the meantime, THANK YOU for your astonishing feedback on Part 1 of Matt and Meghan's story on addiction. If you haven't listened yet, you don't want to miss it.
Today, Part.2 is released on what it's like for Meghan and her journey to help Matt get sober. I was so taken by her strength and commitment, despite the "seething anger" she so chillingly described.
P.S. I love this! A new dating app for single parents.
P.P.S. Do you short circuit in social situations? If you do, hit reply and let me know. I wonder if it's just me or it's a larger issue that's NEVER talked about.