Updated: Sep 6, 2021
Have you ever been told that you're a little too "extra?"
Turn it down a notch.
You're pretty intense. Intimidating even.
Ooof. Is there an echo in here?
Surprise, surprise. I've always been told this. 🙄
In fact, sometimes I could see my passionate nature knock people back a few steps to readjust.
To me, I've always felt like my intensity was a superpower that just needed to be channeled in the right place.
But here's a secret I didn't even know that I've been keeping.
I am also intensely sensitive. My feelings get hurt ALL. THE. TIME.
I feel not included. Not on a text string. Not invited on vacations. No responses to texts (or obnoxiously long to respond). Not feeling overly welcome when I come in a room. Declining my invitations.
Ouch - it really feels like a gut punch every time. Micro-infractions.
And I'm no victim. But this feeling keeps getting louder and louder which prompted this post.
But I never say a thing. I always tell myself it's not really rational. I mean, everyone's got their own stuff to deal with, right?
But wait, do I annoy everyone? Do I really want to know the truth? (No, no I don't)
Am I being overlooked?
I long to belong.
Here's where it gets tricky.
I have deep love and support at home. I have friends and people I adore.
So what on earth am I bitching about?
I'm afraid of my own power.
I filter most of what I say. I carefully articulate responses and listen intently because I'm scared I'll appear too self-involved or come across too strongly.
I'm afraid of not being lovable. Or worthy of being close to others I admire.
So I back-off.
Just as I feel the desperation of wishing I was close to someone, I am just as afraid it won't be reciprocated so I always leave on a high like George Costanza in Seinfeld.
Swoop in. Dazzle. Dip out.
It's not sustainable. Nor is it real.
It's nice to be well-liked but it's a disservice to me (and to the world) to not ever feel like I can be fully me.
Except at home when I'm exhausted from putting on a show all day. (Turns out I might be in the highly sensitive person category like my 8 year old son - of which this behavior is typical)
Maybe this is the moment when the levee of my heart breaks wide open.
And I can stand in a bigger truth. My own.
Only when we know our truth, can the awakening begin.
If you can relate, please let me know. Also, please validate me!
Ugh - okay, that's for another blog post, okay?
P.S. Did you know that Culture Changers Podcast is relaunching on September 16? Kicking off a provocative and perspective shifting series on S-E-X! You don't want to miss it. Make sure you subscribe on your favorite listening app.
P.P.S. Thanks for reading this all the way through. This has probably been my most vulnerable post that I'm still not sure I want to publish. I'm literally wincing as I type this! So thank you.🙏
P.P.P.S. If you're feeling this post, can you pass it on to a friend? I bet it might help someone else not feel like they are the only one.